Earth
Mother Enterprises |
Allies of mothers and young children can support mothers in a variety of ways. Personal support aids a mother to bond with her children, to enjoy motherhood, to acquire skills, to build confidence, to stand up for herself and her children, to facilitate good relationships between her children and other people, to grow in wisdom and judgment regarding her children, to protect her children from harm, and to guide them toward health and wholeness. Practical support frees her from worries about money, exhaustion, disorder, and dealing with difficult people. Political support impacts the world around her to make it a better place to raise children.
Here are some specific ideas for how you can offer personal support. Be a companion. Drive her to the doctor for prenatal visits, shop for maternity clothes with her, read baby books with her, and show similar interests and excitement about her pregnancy. Appreciate her glow and other changes that are turning her from girlish to womanly.
Show an interest in the baby, but do not take the baby away from her. Show interest in the mother/baby dyad. Sit with her while she breastfeeds. Only if you sense that she would appreciate it, offer to walk the baby or burp the baby. Do so as if you desire to join in with the fun, not as if she has to be relieved of caring for the baby. If she seems nervous while you hold the baby, be quick to return the baby to her arms in such a way that honors her touch and place in the baby's heart.
Notice special qualities in the baby. Rather than say that the baby is beautiful or smart, point out ways the baby is attractive and ways the baby is curious, expressive, and interactive with the world. When the baby notices you, interact by making baby sounds, letting the baby take your finger, and in other similar ways.
Do not become an entertainer of the baby to outshine the mother and turn her into the audience for your performance. Let that kind of play come about more gradually and as the mother indicates that she would enjoy it.
When you visit the mother, urge her to let you deal with dishes and other minor chores, freeing her to be with her baby. Do not compete with the baby for attention or expect the mother to be a perfect host. Even when the baby is asleep, that time should be for the mother to rest and restore herself. Perhaps you could let her take a bath, while you stay, ready to bring the baby to her, if needed. Or you could do a task alongside her that is restful and would make the day easier after you leave.
If you have some special skills with motherhood, gently share them with a new mother, without making her feel inadequate. Tips on burping and colic are usually welcome, because many different things have worked with different babies. There is no one right thing to do for all babies. You can bring her books and articles and recommend upcoming television specials about babies and children. Do so in a way that honors her as interested in being expert in her mothering, acknowledging her high standards, not as a way to correct her.
Particular safety notes, if rare, can be given directly, especially if they are given early, before she has done something you think is unsafe. For example, my father told me to never leave a baby alone in a car or baby buggy, because some people will steal or hurt babies. He told me this toward the end of my pregnancy. Because he gave me so little advice, I took this to heart. I was surprised when I learned that many other mothers were careless about leaving their babies unattended. I was grateful to receive his warning, because I might otherwise have followed the lead of other mothers.
When a mother expresses doubts, because of comments from doctors, family members, or others, help her think through the situation and help her find the words to stand up for herself and her baby. Even if a doctor, for example, has some good information or advice to offer her, she should learn how to have a dialogue with him or her that puts herself forward as the one who is in charge.
If you have children, be especially careful to emphasize the uniqueness of each child to minimize competitive feelings between mothers regarding their children. I remember a time that my daughter, a very early reader and astounding master of puzzles, was playing with a friend's budding gymnast.
Instead of enjoying the differences -- the scholar and the athlete -- my friend said that she thought exercise was more important than premature reading. She noticed the same differences I did, but she made one child or mother wrong. Her criticism, and erroneous implication that I had pressured my daughter to learn to read, were thinly veiled. The two children were doing fine with each other, but the other mother created a situation that prevented them from becoming real friends.
Practical help can be difficult to request, so allies of mothers should boldly offer assistance. When my daughter was preschool age, finding appropriate playmates for her was a challenge. During a visit by my sister and her husband, they saw this was a problem. They knew that my husband and I could not afford a nursery school. Nearby was an excellent Montessori school that would be ideal for a child with her curiosity. They pledged to send the $50 per month to pay for her attendance for as long as she wanted to go there. That offer was a godsend. They were true allies to me as a mother.
She attended for two years, and her reading ability contributed to the school in a novel way. One of the offerings by the school to its students was tape-recorded readings of books that they could listen to while following along in the book. The teachers taped my daughter's reading of several of the books. The other children delighted in hearing the books read in a child's voice. Contrast this with the episode with my friend. The teachers saw how to make something different about my daughter into a connection with other children, rather than a competition. That teacher was a true ally to me.
A single mother I knew was swamped with the responsibilities of her newborn daughter. My then-grown daughter contributed $40 a month to supplement her welfare check. I could not afford to make a monetary contribution, but I had a special skill in cleaning an out-of-control kitchen and organizing it to be more easily kept in control. This mother knew that and asked me to help her in the kitchen. I came once a week for three months to wash dishes, wash surfaces, and organize cabinets. During that time, of course, I was able to offer personal encouragement, too.
Another kind of financial help is to offer work to mothers that does not interfere with their mothering, work they can do at home or with baby in tow. Many kinds of work can be done with a baby at the breast or a toddler playing nearby.
One time, when I was president of a board of directors of a health agency, I noticed how much time was spent on the childish needs of some of the board members to show off, compete, play, and otherwise meet personal needs. I realized that we could just as easily give that extra time and attention to real children in our laps or running around the room playing. That is when I coined my slogan, "Babes in the Boardroom." A great deal of work entails sitting around talking about things. Mothers have always done this with other mothers, while caring for children. Why not design ways to pay them for it?
Because I am somewhat infirm, I pay helpers for some household tasks. One was a mother with a five year old. Among other things, she shoveled my walks and cleaned up my yard. Her son often "helped" her in these half-hour or one-hour afternoon tasks. He had his own little shovel and asked to come over to shovel. At times I played with him or gave him milk to go with his cookies. Her work was excellent; she was very reliable. She was my ally in this way. I tried to be an ally to her as a mother, and not just by paying her for her time.
One of my greatest challenges as a breast-feeding mother was to be able to go out with my infant. Although, bottle-feeding mothers could feed their baby at any time, I had to calculate how long my baby could go before the next feeding and make a beeline for the ladies room that I knew had a place to sit and nurse. I could have used some allies to make breastfeeding anywhere allowed in my state (as has since happened in a few other states). I had to curtail my outings, because my baby often swallowed a lot of air in nursing, would burp a little later and be hungry again. I would not know for sure that she was done without waiting awhile. One of many areas where mothers need political allies is for breast-feeding rights.
Support for home schooling is another kind of political alliance that can be offered. Many mothers feel that the public school is unsafe and inappropriate for their particular child. Home schooling is a solution for many of these mothers, but school authorities often have to be pushed to behave reasonably toward mothers who make this choice.
Many areas of concern require political interventions on behalf of children: air quality, safe toys, safe food, apprehension of pedophiles, and other safety and health measures. Mothers can speak up when they find threats to their children, but they need others who are not busy with children to join them in making the world safer and healthier for children.
Mothers need allies: older children, husbands, relatives, neighbors, social activists, retired senior citizens, professionals, public officials, among others. Nothing will affect the future quality of life more than the quality of mothering our children receive. It is in everyone's interest to be an ally to mothers.